RECAP: Kim Names Her Baby, And Her Wigs

The holiday season is just filled with surprises, isn’t it? Last night, The Real Housewives of Atlanta descended upon Bravo for a special Tuesday night episode, highlighting Kim Zolciak’s new baby and Sheree Whitfield’s child support case against her ex-husband.
As you can imagine, one was much more joyous than the other, and also served as a warning for Kim and her football player husband, Kroy Biermann: Stay on the right track, or you could end up like these two.
In other events, Kandi Burruss continued development of her sex toy line; Phaedra Parks served as Sheree’s lawyer and common sense adviser; and NeNe Leakes and Cynthia Bailey went shopping.

SHEREE (60)
– Phaedra ribs Sheree for buying a brand new Porsche when she’s trying to prove she needs more money to raise her kids. “Most judges are not sympathetic when  your car costs more than they make in a year,” Phaedra says (-4)
– Sheree’s ex serves her with papers; he claims he’s broke and wants to modify the monthly payment amount, which he has never forked over once, by the way (-5)
– Because things are now getting more complicated with the case, Phaedra says she’s going to have to start billing Sheree for her time. Even though, by the looks of Sheree’s outward appearance, she’s rolling in money, Phaedra’s peeps spend all day tracking Sheree down to secure the retainer fee (-2)
– Phaedra further advises Sheree not to wear D&G, Valentino or Chanel suits to court, and to leave her $16K Hermes bag at home. Sheree said it shouldn’t matter what she wears, that what’s important is that her husband do the right thing. Are we the only ones who think Sheree is a few donuts short of a dozen? (-3)
– Once in court, her ex files a contempt order, claiming Sheree took furniture that was granted to him during the divorces, which Phaedra says is a stall tactic (-3)
– Her ex is also representing himself in court because he claims he can’t afford a lawyer. Sheree says, “If you are smart enough to represent yourself in cases, you are smart enough to go out there and get a job.” He DOES keep bragging that he went to Stanford, so she does have a point here (+3)
– As a side note, though, do you ever see Sheree working? At one point during a commercial break, we Google her finances because we’re curious how she’s affording new Porsches and multi-million dollars homes and handbags that cost more than my car. It appears she’s got skills at creative financing; some reports claim that her mom bailed her house out of foreclosure and that the Aston Martin she bought last year had been repo’d (-4)
– When they leave the courtroom, Sheree’s ex sticks out his tongue at her behind her back, like, “HAHA, I got you!” (-3)
– Sheree cries at lunch with Kandi and Phaedra that it has come down to this. Nobody said divorce was easy… (-4)
Net gain/loss: -25
Current total: 35

KIM (137)
– Kim leaves the hospital and announces her vagina hurts. Kinda goes without saying, but leave it to Kim to say it anyway (-2)
– She walks in at home, and someone — her kids or assistant — asks her why she’s walking funny. Kim, ever the poet, replies, “Because I just popped an 8-pound kid out of my twat.” (-3)
– Kim and Kroy change the baby in front of the entire family, and he poops while the diaper is off. The girls are totally grossed out, and the dog uses the distraction to pee on the carpet and then roll out (-4)
– Kim uses the cliche “A for effort,” and it comes out that her teen daughter, Brielle, honestly believes the word effort begins with an A. Clearly, it’s not a word she’s familiar with, which becomes more and more evident as the show unfolds (-4)
– Kim’s assistant washes her human-hair wigs in the kitchen sink using Pantene. We learn that Kim has named all her wigs, as though they are her pets or possibly, her children (-2)
– When they are clean, Kim tenderly brushes them all atop mannequin heads and sets them in front of the fire to drive. Man, taking care of her wigs is more high maintenance than grooming all three of my pets (-3)
– Kim’s parents come over to visit the baby. Kim tells them Kroy does all the diaper changes because she’s afraid of hurting the baby’s circumcised penis. Um, wasn’t she a nurse in her former life? Good grief, woman, get a grip (-5)
– Kim explains that eldest daughter Brielle doesn’t help or want anything to do with the baby, but Arianna is a hard worker and seems interested in helping out. One out of two ain’t bad… (+1)
– …Unless you’re Arianna, because moments later, the dog drops a deuce inside and she’s charged with picking it up. The middle child: always the whipping boy (-2)
Net gain/loss: -24
Current total: 113

KANDI (94)
– Kandi books football player Charles Grant and his socialite girlfriend, Marlo Hampton, on her Kandi Koated Nights internet program. She wants them to discuss “How to hook a baller and keep them faithful.” Isn’t that kind of an oxymoron? (-1)
– On the show, Charles asks Kandi her favorite sex position and she obliges. You know, we could have lived without knowing that (-2)
– Kandi meets with a rep from a sex toy company to discuss their special technology. (You can hook up your vibrator to your iPod and it will pleasure you to the beat of the music.) Kandi wants to make exclusive tunes just for her own brand of pleasure sticks. Original, but is there a huge market for something so specific? Only time will tell (+2)
– This meeting is taking place at a restaurant, and as Kandi and her friend laugh as the vibrators skitter loudly across the wooden tables. Folks eating lunch there aren’t quite as amused (-3)
– Kandi also wants to create a lipstick-sized vibrator that you can carry around in your purse. Because you never know when you’ll need to sneak in the bathroom and get one off real quick (+1)
Net gain/loss: -3
Current total: 91
PHAEDRA (67)
– Phaedra‘s staff has to track down Sheree all over town to get a $5000 check from her before their court date the following day. “Everyone in Atlanta knows that Sheree has had issues with attorney and paying her bills.” Good client choice, there, Phaedra (-3)
– In court, Sheree’s ex files a contempt order as a stalling tactic, then Sheree gets upset with Phaedra for not being able to do anything about it. Sheree: “She was outsmarted by an ex football player who represented himself in court.” (-4)
– However, Phaedra is annoyed because Sheree ignored her original advice, which was to send her ex to jail and force him to pay up (-2)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 58
NENE  (84)
– When Cynthia takes NeNe to a vintage clothing store, NeNe has this to say: “‘Vintage’ means clothes that have been on other people’s bodies. I don’t wear clothes that other people have worn.” (-5)
Net gain/loss: -5
Current total: 79
CYNTHIA (72)
– Goes to a vintage store and goes home with a $35 dress. NeNe hates the frock, which is probably a solid vote in its favor (+3)
Net gain/loss: +3
Current total: 75
SCORECARD:
Kim: 113
Kandi: 91
NeNe: 79
Cynthia: 75
Phaedra: 58
Sheree:  35

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RECAP: Kim Zolciak Wears Wig, Has Baby

For what seems like the first time in what felt like ages, The Real Housewives of Atlanta all did their own things in last night’s episode. There were no strippers, no fighting, no backbiting, and no public scenes.
The biggest event of the night — and what many viewers have been waiting to see — was the birth of Kim’s baby boy with her then-boyfriend (now husband) Kroy Biermann. Luckily, the birthing scenes and screaming were minimal, and the joyful moments were copious. Of course, it’s Kim, so it got a little crass at times, but overall, a very peaceful vibe. Nice timing for the holiday season.
In other events, NeNe and Cynthia took a jaunt to New York together to work on various personal business deals; Sheree struggled with her decision to sue her ex for child support; Kandi gave her mom a makeover; and Phaedra did some work.
See, they CAN all get along… as long as they’re not together.
Pass the cigars, please!
KIM (128)
– Goes to see her OB, who tells her she’s got preeclampsia (pregnancy-related high blood pressure), so he’s going to break her water and induce her at at 37.5 weeks. She is stressed out and starts having flashbacks to the birth of her second daughter, which apparently was incredibly difficult (-3)
– When she had her daughter, the epidural didn’t take, so she had the 9-pound baby naturally, with no pain relief. Says the always-delicate Kim, “It was like a Mack truck driving through your hooha.” I wouldn’t be surprised if American Greetings is trying to contact Kim RIGHT NOW to pen some verbiage for their New Baby cards (-3)
– On her way to the hospital to be induced, she pounds down a couple of donuts. It’s the last thing she’ll be able to eat before the baby is born, so we say, Go for it! (+4)
– Kim is surprised Kroy can be so calm during a time like this, but honestly, he is stammering and stuttering and seems as nervous as she is (-2)
– In the hospital, the nurse goes over Kim’s medical history, then asks, “Are you going to wear that wig during delivery?” Um, have you seen this show, lady? Of COURSE she is! (-3)
– Once Kim is induced, she’s in pain but manages to keep her language in check in front of her daughters when they visit (+2)
– The medical staff discusses whether she’s ready for her epidural, and the doctor responds, “If she’s not cussing, she’s not ready.” Yep, he’s been around the block with Kim a few times… (+3)
– Fast forward to later, and Kim is holding her new son, Kroy Jagger Bierman. She seems fine, and we cannot stress enough how happy we are that we didn’t have to hear her screaming and moaning from outside the door like we did when New Jersey Housewife Teresa Giudice had her baby (+3)
– Kim reports he breastfeeds like a champ, and we can’t help but wonder if this kid will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest baby mouth. I mean, Kim’s breasts could have crushed a person, even before they were filled with milk (+5)
– Daddy Kroy is shown holding his new son, and he is so clearly in love with that baby, it almost brings a tear to our eye (+3)
Net gain/loss: +9
Current total: 137
CYNTHIA (52)
– Cynthia goes to New York with NeNe — they both have meetings there about new business ventures. Girlfriend trip to the city, fun!  (+3)
– Cynthia is having a meeting with business mogul Russell Simmons, whom she used to date when she was 18, to help her promote her agency (+3)
– She tells NeNe that Russell proposed to her at one point during their relationship. Man, that dude loves him some models, no? (+3)
– She and Russell discuss the vision for her company, and he gives her some good ideas to encourage a more sustained and stable business. Finally, he tells her not to use “modeling” in the company’s title, to instead call it the Bailey Agency School of Fashion (+4)
– Russell reminds Cynthia that “The (fashion) jobs that are lasting and stable are not in front of the camera,” and that molding clients/students who worked behind the scenes would allow for more clients (+3)
– Russell then flirts with her, tells her she’s still got it, etc. He says if she were single, he’d ask her out right then and there, making her the oldest person he’d ever wanted to date. That’s quite a compliment from a cradle robber like Simmons (+4)
– Cynthia meets with her wedding planner, and they discuss whether she’s happy in her marriage. He suggests that she’s vibrant and full of life when she’s in New York and wonders if Atlanta (and Peter) are the right fits for her (-3)
– When NeNe and Cynthia go out later, NeNe also remarks that she’s never seen Cynthia as happy as she is in New York. We don’t need a Magic 8 Ball to tell us that New York is probably Cynthia’s best fit… maybe she can kick Peter to the curb and join the Real Housewives of New York cast instead? (+3)
Net gain/loss: +20
Current total: 72
NENE (84)
– NeNe goes to New York with Cynthia to have a meeting with her business partner. She tells Cynthia he’s been flirting with her. Good or bad, I guess, depending on the dude (+1)
– The man is partnering with NeNe to open a signature lounge bearing her birth name, Linnethia. Is she a big enough celeb to draw people to a lounge named after her? Maybe in Atlanta, I guess (+2)
– Dude orders her meal for her without letting her look at the menu. He IS flirting with her and it’s kind of embarrassing to watch (-2)
– He then starts trying to feed her with his fork, then presents her with a gift in a Tiffany box. Uh oh (-3)
– Whew! It’s just an ink pen, with which “to sign her first million dollar deal” (+4)
– The two go outside for dessert, where he presents her with a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes, and then has an singer come out and croon to her in Italian. I mean, she IS getting spoiled by this dude and we can’t hate on that (+5)
– NeNe and Cynthia go out on the town and have a fun, drama-free evening. Who’d have thought that was even possible? (+3)
Net gain/loss: +10
Current total: 94

PHAEDRA (64)
– Phaedra allows Bravo follow her into the courtroom while she’s working. However, she’s not the focal point at first because all  courtroom observers are staring right into the cameras, looking for their big moment on TV (-2)
– Phaedra is representing a client who was charged with excessive window tint on his car windows, and possession of marijuana. This isn’t the first drug charge against the man, and when he admits to the judge that he couldn’t pass a drug test right now, the judge threatens to put him in jail for a year (-3)
– Then the judge says, but if you’re being represented by Phaedra and she believes in you, I’m willing to give you a second chance. A lawyer can get you off, just by virtue of who they are? News to me (+3)
– Phaedra and her client walk out of the courthouse, and she sees that he still has his windows tinted black, even though he told the judge otherwise. We’ll tell you what Phaedra believes in here, and it’s not her client’s desire to be a law-abiding citizen. She believes in his repeat services (+2)
– He pulls out a huge brick of cash, and breaks her off several bills as payment. Motto of the day: Don’t ask, don’t tell (+3)
Net gain/loss: +3
Current total: 67
SHEREE (71)
– Goes to job site of her new house, where no one is working, to discuss her lack-of-child support situation with her mother. Couldn’t this conversation happen over coffee instead of standing out in a pile of excavated dirt? (-2)
– Sheree tells her mother that her ex had no food the last time the kids came over, and that he used their daughter’s birthday gift card to purchase groceries. Seriously? What a loser (-5)
– Sheree and her mother discuss her own father, and his lack of support (financial and otherwise) when she was a kid. She doesn’t want to have the same situation with her own kids, so her mom encourages her to take her to court for child support (+2)
– Later, at home, she talks with her mom on speaker phone. Her mother outlines what an unreliable loser her ex is, and how the kids will suffer as a result. All true — except too bad her son is sitting right there, hearing it all (-2)
– Her son, Kairo, pretends he’s not listening, but there’s no way he can no hear it (-2)
– Sheree makes Kairo some lunch — a sandwich, Chee-toes and some fruit. He’s all, “why’d you put grapes on there?” I mean, it’s not like it’s lima beans, kids, geez (-2)
Net gain/loss: -11
Current total: 60

KANDI (95)
– Kandi’s mom is ready to dive back into the dating scene, so Kandi gives her a makeover, which involves: Strapping her into a girdle; putting on bright turquoise eyeshadow; and photographing her laying across the hood of a classic Camaro. We love the young-at-heart feeling of it all (+3), but also wonder if it’s a bit much for a woman of 60 years? (-2)
Net gain/loss: +1
Current total: 96
SCORECARD:
Kim: 137
Kandi: 94
NeNe: 84
Cynthia: 72
Phaedra: 67
Sheree: 60

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